Jesus Doesn't Want Me For a Sunbeam

At long last the Tamoxifen side effects have started.  I thought I might get away with it.  Should have known better.  Hot flushes, feeling queasy, loss of appetite, increase in appetite, insomnia, fatigue, joint aches...the list goes on.  And the mood swings are fairly spectacular, up and down, up and down, sometimes within the space of minutes.  My day has gone like this:- got up at 5am, did a pregnancy test since I'm starting Zolodex next week (it was negative, I felt relieved but strangely disappointed)...noticed cat hadn't come upstairs and went down to check on him - he's been a poorly kitty and had gastroenteritis -  so I tiptoed downstairs to see if he was alright, he was fast a-bo on the sofa until I stubbed my toe on the ironing board.  It was a spectacular leap I must say.  I made a cup of tea and went back to bed with cat.  Then got up and fed him.  Then went back and slept and finally got up properly at midday and felt like all kinds of shite.  I had a massive pile of ironing to do but made SMF a mix CD instead (and I have excelled myself, if I may say so, with the track listing and art work), then spent the rest of the afternoon crying for no reason...well, there is a reason - Mrs P has a lump on her neck and is still 3 weeks away from seeing the oncologist and more to starting her next chemo.  So, I'm going to ring his secretary tomorrow and pull a few strings (get ME!)  And...that's about it so far.  Cat's been avoiding me all afternoon because he says I'm bringing him down.  I can't be bothered to make tea so I've had two yoghurts and a couple of beers.  Am now listening to mix CD and blubbing.  Bollocks.  Bollocks to cancer and everything.

Tomorrow I'm going to get my arse in gear and do stuff.  Ring Oncologist's secretary, eat properly, see the parentals and take them a present (Hairy Bikers cookbook) then call into work for a bit (not to work, just to socialise) before having tea out with some lovely ladies. 

Tomorrow will be better!  It better bloody had be...

My Right Breast

Hello, hello, hello. I promise not to go on about the cat (although he had a stomach upset, couldn't get to his litter tray, and shat in the bath - which I thought was genius. Easy to clean up! Still not pleasant though, but bless him...) as this IS supposed to be a breast cancer blog. I'm such a proud cat-mother though!

So...I went to see another BCN today, who was utterly lovely, to get my falsie (prosthesis) which you can wear in a bra and look 'normal'. So far so good. BUT, you have to have special bras to wear them in...my usual Floozie and Agent Provocateur fancy frilly things don't fit the bill. So that means I need to do my very favourite thing - UNDERWEAR S.H.O.P.P.I.N.G. Hurrah. They're not as pretty as the usual bras for small gals but they're acceptable. And they sure do look comfy (a sign I am getting old, I fear. Nex thing you know I'll be wearing Dr Scholl's.) If you're interested in seeing what they look like here are two photos (front and back) of my new booby:-

It comes in a little box with a pocket to put it in and it feels alright. But now I need bras with pockets and wide middles and thick straps :-S...I have a gazillion pretty lovely sexy bras but none of them will do. The prosthesis sticks out and won't stay put if I jig around. Therefore it necessitates internet shopping ahoy.

I also decided to post a photo of my mastectomy scar (very modest, no other booby to be seen) just for the record. this is four and a half weeks post-op.

Doesn't look too bad does it? Be good to compare it with the bionic boobs in 12 months time. The slight swelling you can see below the scar is the seroma, which I haven't needed drained this week so far.

Have been taking the Tamoxifen for 2 days now and no side effects yet. Although I do feel a tendency to go into bitch on wheels mode, but that may be because it's almost 'that time'. I'm sure when I start the Zolodex in about 2 weeks I'll be a NIGHTMARE. With a beard. And a funny singing voice. And a three stone weight gain. Cancer IS hilarious.

Went to see (500) Days Of Summer yesterday - thoroughly recommend it. Lovely, sweet, sad, poignant and with a belting soundtrack (2 Regina Spektor numbers OMFG fantastic). If you haven't seen it or heard of it it's boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl (her name is Summer, hence the title), girl doesn't fall in love with boy thing. Got to love a film with an (un)happy ending.

Righto, onwards and upwards. This girl has shopping to do!

Tata for now, booby blog followers!

xxx

Toxic Phlegm

The cat has settled in well and is behaving as though he's the one in charge, which I gather is how it's supposed to be. The only problem is his propensity to want to have a conversation at 2am, 3am and sometimes after...he makes a massive fuss of me first thing in the morning and then spends the rest of the day ignoring me. It's been grand weather here and it's a shame he can't go out yet...I might buy him a lead and at least then he can go out in the back garden. Cat on a lead! Uncharacteristically he's sat next to me now, having a wash, probably because I've given him roast chicken sent up by Mrs P. Cupboard love.

I went to see Mr W on friday, the breast surgeon. He has very big hands. He basically said that the mastectomy was the right choice as the tumour was multi focal; so as well as the tumour taken at lumpectomy, and the 4mm margin removed with the breast tissue at mastectomy, there were two other small tumours. Scary. Anyway, as I have such 'modest breast tissue' (small tits) that had they done a WLE (Wide Local Excision) it would have taken a significant amount of breast tissue away so as to leave the breast looking deformed...so I thought I might as well have the whole lot off. Nothing to do with the boob job I'll then get in 12 months. Oh no. ETA: Forgot to mention that the seroma was drained again and they got about 80 mls off, which is better...less than last time. It feels really tight around the chest and under the arm but I'm hoping I won't need to have any more fluid drained off and it'll settle down. 'Cos that would be brilliant.

I've been putting off starting the Tamoxifen (called Toxic Phlegm by my BCC buddy's kids - hello A!) but am going to take my first one RIGHT NOW. Done.

I have another 4 weeks off work at least, depending on how the arm/chest/seroma does and so I really need to get out more and do stuff and not spend so much time arsing around on the internet, or watching shite telly, or just doing nothing...tomorrow I am aiming to go to the cinema to watch (500) Days Of Summer and buy a cat lead. Tuesday I have my prosthesis fitting and so will combine that with a little retail therapy. Nothing too over the top. And Wednesday I'm taking fab sis-in-law out to lunch...

Will report back after my falsie fitting.

x

How much is too much?

Hello! Oh, I'm so rubbish lately at updating this blog thing. I wish it was because I have a massive social life but it isn't. I really am just rubbish.

Caturday first! Yes, the cat has arrived and is disrupting my life. It's very much like suddenly having a baby without the being pregnant bit (obv); I was ill-prepared for the fact that he likes to hide in places (I know babies don't do that) and keep me up all night wow-ing (babies do that) and mew for stuff when he's been fed and cat littered and cuddled to death and I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE WANTS. Babies definitely do that. But he's cute and has a face only a mother could love. Cat-mother. Look at him! When we (fab sis-in-law and tiny niece) arrived to pick him up the lady that was fostering him wasn't in...she'd got all wobbly about him going. So her comedy neighbour had to let us in her house to try and find his stuff and coax him out from under the bush (NOT a euphemism.) We couldn't see a cat carrier, so he had to be ferried down the A59 sat on his rug thing on my lap in the car; he was effectively catnapped. He seems to be settling in a bit better every day, he no longer hides under the bed or behind the telly, and we are bonding slowly. Now if he could only stop the night time wow-ing things would be dandy. Since two people have referred to him as Cosmo, and as it sounds a bit like Gizmo, and can also be shortened to Mo, that will be his new name. Cosmo. Meow!

Ah, yes, the cancer thing. Saw the onocologist on friday, was given all the statistics which I tried to understand, heard the bit about chemo having less than a 5% chance of improving my survival rates and that the lump was just less than 2 cm and there was no node spread (fuck me!) and decided to say NO to chemo. So that's bloody brilliant. I'll be having Tamoxifen (ace side effects - bad mood swings so now I can be nasty and bitchy and blame it on drugs - hurrah!) and Zolodex to suppress my ovaries. So no babies for 2 years, but by then I might have got used to the cat. Felt strangely deflated after that, I mean it's brilliant news that I don't have to have chemo but...I dunno. The cancer's gone, so has the right breast, but that's not really the end of things. Just feels a bit...odd. Whatevs. NO FUCKING CHEMO! W00t!

What else? Oh, went for a physio and support group thing at a nearby hospice (I know, I thought the same thing when they told me where it was) which sounded fab and I wanted to join up to their cancer ladies coming on a monday and having their feet rubbed and being made up and having me time but I don't come under their jurisdiction. Which is pants.

CE came over today, top tonic that she is, took me for lunch at Breda Murphy's - ace place. We had wine and halloumi kebabs and goat's cheese parcels and sea bass with warm potato salad and warm orange cake and sorbet and rhubarb and ginger creme brulee (say that in a Lancs accent) and maple biscuits and oh it was lovely! I only remembered I didn't like rhubarb after I'd ordered but it was still nom. Then we looked at fabulous overpriced shoes (I hankered after some tangerine plastic Viv Westwood sandals that smelled of bubble bum - oh yes) and jewellery and then I bought the cat a present. It's a tangerine flapjack, a sort of toy dog thing. He was seriously unimpressed, but then I imagine that if I bought him a diamond encrusted litter tray with a built in cocktail bar and jacuzzi he'd still be seriously unimpressed. Apparently that's cats for you.

Virtual crush update - we are engaged. How mad is that? Mad but brilliant :o). Rowr!

Upcoming stuff to blog about - prosthesis fitting next Tuesday. Temporary boob :o). Watch this space. Pun intended.

Tra fer now!

x

Stasis

I've been to have the blancmange drained again. Massive relief (cheers fab sis-in-law!). It's not pleasant having a bulbous armpit but it's always a great feeling when it's all syringed off...150 mls this time so it's less than last week which is heartening. I'm sure the bugger will fill up again but hey ho. So, now it's countdown to D-day on friday, then Caturday (!) - been shopping for cat-related necessaries like a litter tray (my niece can't wait to 'scoop the poo'), litter, tray liners, Glade smelly stuff to detract from the smell of cat piss, Go-Cat dry food (tuna and trout or something equally delectable), cat milk and three cute mice for him to massacre. I'm looking forward to the Prince Regent's arrival.
Picked my niece and nephew up from school and tried not to cry when J said they'd been asked to say a Hail Mary for someone and he picked me. He's 7. Kids are brilliant and the best tonic against the shitness of the C thing. I'm not thinking about the fertility side of things (I don't have any of my own, yet) but I'm sure that'll come up at some point. Damn it. You always think you'll have tons of time to do stuff like procreate and then suddenly you have to start considering what you'd do if that was affected...I honestly don't know. Anyway, no point until someone actually mentions the F word.

Also got an appointment for a prosthesis fitting the week after next. Cool! I should be driving by then too. Looking forward to getting my temporary boob. And in 12 months time I should be getting my Size C supersonic ones (don't want to go too over the top. I'm not f**king Jordan.)

Re virtual crush. I had 3 Facebook messages from a certain someone who is utterly fab (to the max!) and sees past the C crap and likes me for who I am. This makes me very happy. He's the dogs. And he's cute too. Bonus. When I had the Mx I thought that no-one would ever be interested again. I like being proven wrong and even better when it's by someone with a big brain and an even bigger heart.

:o)

Blancmangophobia

The blancmange is back and growing by the day. I can't get in touch with the BCNs to see about getting it drained but I do finally have an appointment with the breast oncologist for friday...so I'm hoping that I can do both at the same time. Well, not literally at the same time.

Now I'm a bit scared. Because I'll get to find out about the treatment side of things, which is actually scarier I think than the diagnosis, the surgery, the post-op blancmanges. They might say the dreaded word. CHEMO. And then again they might not...the treatment options are endless and I have no idea which one they might recommend. The good thing is that I'll undoubtedly feel better when I know exactly what is to happen and why and when. Then I can just get on with it.

Cancer is boring. But come Saturday Mr Spoonface will arrive. Caturday! I've never had a cat. I hope we get on alright.

CocoNUT

Oh

Am in danger of falling for someone virtually.

This scares me.

A lot.

Hair

I had the chop. I love it. Having a colour change next week, I think it's called something like Wild Heather.

I've been having some really weird dreams lately.

Seroma Schmeroma

I had to go and have the seroma drained again yesterday. Another 250 mls. How fecking tedious. The real bummer is that it's already filling up again. I don't know whether it's because it's *that* time of the month or it's the thought of another 6 weeks at least off sick and the associated Groundhog Day TV or the thought of this seroma coming back with a vengeance every time it's drained or the fact that I don't know what's coming next regarding treatment but...I feel a bit shit really. I'm still in my pyjamas, haven't brushed my hair (now just like Natty's! Will post photos when I feel like it) or teeth, am watching Saturday Kitchen and titting about on the interweb. I have no motivation to do anything, but am bored with doing nothing.

Last night four work chums came round and we had lovely food and wine and a good gossip. I wore my softie in an effort to at least look 'normal', but any slight movements and it popped out to give the appearance of having three boobs, which I suppose is an improvement on one? At some point I'll have a fitting for a prosthesis which will be better and will hopefully stay bra-bound at least.

Oh! For those of you who believe in angels here's something...tuesday after the trio of clerks left (and this may have been the Bacardi Black) I was standing outside waving them off with my good arm, when I saw this strange white light hovering about my head. It stayed there for about 10 seconds then flew up and disappeared. And this morning there's a white feather in my lounge. If that's my guardian angel then they want to get their arse in gear and do some guardian-ing.

Hell.

Spoonface

Here is a photo of the super wee fella who will be coming to live with me in a week and a bit. Isn't he fabulous! His name's Gizmo, but that wasn't my doing. I'm thinking of changing it to Gomez (he looks a bit Adams Family) or maybe Mo for short...

Had a smashing night of alcohol and chatter last night with a trio of clerks. It was a real tonic. You can't beat spirits and gossip for perking a girl up. Still sore as hell but hey ho. Just got to get on with it haven't you? Have gone back on the Tramadol and Diclofenac. I hope the world doesn't fall out of my bottom again as a result.

Spatchcock

I rang the BCN this morning and my smashing sis-in-law took me into hospital to get it sorted. I have now completed the ELTH hat-trick and been to all three hospitals. I was taken straight to the ward where the lovely BCN put a large needle into the bizarre blancmange like swelling and drained off 250 mls of clear fluid. It felt better straight away, but I'm sore as hell now. I can't lift my arm above shoulder height when before it felt like I was making an improvement. Ne'er mind, I'm sure it's only temporary. I thought it might be a good idea to wear a sports bra, as that's what's often recommended post-Mx, so I've just wrestled myself into a very tight crop top sports bra type of thing whilst trying not to cry. I'm in it, it does feel better wearing it, it might help stop the seroma filling up again, but I think I'll have to wear it for the rest of my life. Or cut it off. Hey ho.
So I'm feeling a bit crap really. The pain's starting to get me down, I might even have to contemplate going back on the bowel busting painkillers as they do recommend taking them in order to be able to do the necessary exercises. However, since a trio of clerks are visiting tonight and might bring alcohol I may sleep on this :o).

I've found this website showing photos of a young woman's bilateral mastectomy and eventual reconstruction. You can see it here. It's bloody amazing and gives me hope for my bionic boobs next year. God, this is going to be such a long process and I am so impatient.

I've had a spatchcock poussin for my tea. How posh is that?