I just wanted to share that I have an op date for the implants. Woo! 21st October. 4 days after I turn 40. So hurrah for that. Of course, it's only a provisional date. I keep being reminded that there are new BC diagnoses all the time so it might get cancelled. I used to be one of those, but now I'm an old hand so often get shoved to the back of the queue. I understand, I really do. But I just want all this to be over. O.V.E.R. Then we can all get on with our lives. BC holds you hostage and I needs to break free, sisters (and brothers.)
In other news, I got my period today so was terribly excited about using my new Clear Blue Fertility Monitor. I got up, turned it on, pressed the 'm' button and...er, that was it. 6 days to go till I have to start peeing on sticks. Roll on that day.
If anyone else tells me they're pregnant I may scream. Quietly of course, I don't wish to be rude. A friend of ours told us their fab news this weekend...so pleased for them but WHEN WILL IT BE OUR TURN??? WHEN???!!
It's just a quick update today as I'm drinking wine (what was that about giving up alcohol to increase fertility then?) and lolling about on Twitter so will write more later.
Bye for now!
Thursday 8 September 2011
Saturday 20 August 2011
Peanuts, prawns and alien life forms
I have to admit that I've always been a bit ignorant about fertility and cycles and ovulation and stuff. Aside from the medical shit (I work in Obs and Gynae field and know all the scientific side, sort of) I'm not the sort of lady who knows when she's ovulating or has insider knowledge on cervical mucus and basal body temperature tracking so I thought I'd better gen up and get down with it.
So after rootling through all the crap on the interweb (lots of sites saying "If you buy this book/take these pills/send us all your money we'll get you preggers") I found a superflusion of information on fertility/infertility and WAYS TO GET PREGNANT FAST! Thought I'd put it all together in a blog post to avoid me having to rootle again. Here's my version of a ten point plan to get pregnant.
1. The first thing that caught my eye, being lazy and a gadget loving gal, was this The Clearblue Fertility Monitor. Was this the gadget that Boots said they'd do a money back promise if you used it and didn't conceive? Anyway, it looks a bit complicated but has some good reviews and basically monitors your hormone levels which can only be a good thing. It's a tad expensive (£104 at Boots but £60something squids at Amazon uk) but I sort of like the idea of using something scientific and boastful. Looks like a lot of women who've been trying to conceive have done so using this. Well, that and their other halves contribution obvs.
Conversely, you can also track your BBT and cervical mucus (this is where it gets a bit gross.) Your BBT or Basal Body Temperature rises at ovulation, so you can get an idea of when you're ovulating, as it's not always day 14...depends on your cycle and shit. Cervical mucus changes throughout your cycle (er, dry, sticky rice or egg whites...I'll never look at Thai and raw egg whites in the same way again) and if you really want to see piccers of the different cervical mucii? mucuses? mucususees? in all their dry sticky rice egg whites glory you can see that here
Right. So knowing your cycle and your bodily secretions is a GOOD THING.
2. Have lots of sex. Obvs. At least 3 times a week to cover all bases. And missionary position is allegedly the best way to go. Hurrah for that. It's a lazy gal's favourite.
3. Have sex lots a few days before you ovulate. Then the little spermies are hanging around chilling when the egg comes down the chute. Otherwise if you wait till you're ovulating you have a narrower window of opportunity. And we all love a good big window of opportunity don't we?
4. Give up smoking. Oh. Well, that goes without saying and also drinking alcohol and caffeine. Blimey. That's 50% of my diet.
5. Eat lots of yams. Yes, yams! Who'd have thought?
Yams are a food that seems to promote and stimulate ovulation, so it’s worth a try to eat lots of yams if you want to know how to get pregnant fast with twins. This study was confirmed by the National Organization of Mothers of Twins Clubs.
I know it says twins but it was the promotion and stimulation of ovulation that caught my eye.
6. Eat dairy. Again this is associated with the twin thing but as a massive cheese and milk lover this is grand news. Some guy did some kind of study with women who ate 5 portions a day of dairy. That's good enough for me.
7. Don't think about getting pregnant. Good advice since worrying about stuff leads to stress and stress leads to all kinds of problems, yes?
8. Take your folic acid. Before you try to conceive. 'Tis full of goodness and not only helps with conception but also less likelihood of babe developing in a less than healthy manner. I could go on about neural tube defects and whatnot but I won't.
9. Be healthy. At your ideal weight or a bit higher. Eat well. Give up all the lovelies mentioned in point 4. Despair. Eat lots of dairy. Feel a bit better again.
10. I like this one. Don't get up immediately after sex. Have a little rest and tilt up your pelvis (the old put a cushion under your bum is a goodie, apparently. This always reminds me of Peep Show :).) Don't give the spermies chance to fall out.
11. HAVE LOTS OF SEX. Did I mention that? Bonus point.
If you do all this, according to the mighty interwebs, you'll get caught. Wicked.
Not that I'm planning on getting preggers just yet but it's good to have a plan eh? A friend of mine is 12 weeks after trying for AGES and I'm so pleased for her. I must ask her if she's partial to yams.
Tra a bit!
So after rootling through all the crap on the interweb (lots of sites saying "If you buy this book/take these pills/send us all your money we'll get you preggers") I found a superflusion of information on fertility/infertility and WAYS TO GET PREGNANT FAST! Thought I'd put it all together in a blog post to avoid me having to rootle again. Here's my version of a ten point plan to get pregnant.
1. The first thing that caught my eye, being lazy and a gadget loving gal, was this The Clearblue Fertility Monitor. Was this the gadget that Boots said they'd do a money back promise if you used it and didn't conceive? Anyway, it looks a bit complicated but has some good reviews and basically monitors your hormone levels which can only be a good thing. It's a tad expensive (£104 at Boots but £60something squids at Amazon uk) but I sort of like the idea of using something scientific and boastful. Looks like a lot of women who've been trying to conceive have done so using this. Well, that and their other halves contribution obvs.
Conversely, you can also track your BBT and cervical mucus (this is where it gets a bit gross.) Your BBT or Basal Body Temperature rises at ovulation, so you can get an idea of when you're ovulating, as it's not always day 14...depends on your cycle and shit. Cervical mucus changes throughout your cycle (er, dry, sticky rice or egg whites...I'll never look at Thai and raw egg whites in the same way again) and if you really want to see piccers of the different cervical mucii? mucuses? mucususees? in all their dry sticky rice egg whites glory you can see that here
Right. So knowing your cycle and your bodily secretions is a GOOD THING.
2. Have lots of sex. Obvs. At least 3 times a week to cover all bases. And missionary position is allegedly the best way to go. Hurrah for that. It's a lazy gal's favourite.
3. Have sex lots a few days before you ovulate. Then the little spermies are hanging around chilling when the egg comes down the chute. Otherwise if you wait till you're ovulating you have a narrower window of opportunity. And we all love a good big window of opportunity don't we?
4. Give up smoking. Oh. Well, that goes without saying and also drinking alcohol and caffeine. Blimey. That's 50% of my diet.
5. Eat lots of yams. Yes, yams! Who'd have thought?
Yams are a food that seems to promote and stimulate ovulation, so it’s worth a try to eat lots of yams if you want to know how to get pregnant fast with twins. This study was confirmed by the National Organization of Mothers of Twins Clubs.
I know it says twins but it was the promotion and stimulation of ovulation that caught my eye.
6. Eat dairy. Again this is associated with the twin thing but as a massive cheese and milk lover this is grand news. Some guy did some kind of study with women who ate 5 portions a day of dairy. That's good enough for me.
7. Don't think about getting pregnant. Good advice since worrying about stuff leads to stress and stress leads to all kinds of problems, yes?
8. Take your folic acid. Before you try to conceive. 'Tis full of goodness and not only helps with conception but also less likelihood of babe developing in a less than healthy manner. I could go on about neural tube defects and whatnot but I won't.
9. Be healthy. At your ideal weight or a bit higher. Eat well. Give up all the lovelies mentioned in point 4. Despair. Eat lots of dairy. Feel a bit better again.
10. I like this one. Don't get up immediately after sex. Have a little rest and tilt up your pelvis (the old put a cushion under your bum is a goodie, apparently. This always reminds me of Peep Show :).) Don't give the spermies chance to fall out.
11. HAVE LOTS OF SEX. Did I mention that? Bonus point.
If you do all this, according to the mighty interwebs, you'll get caught. Wicked.
Not that I'm planning on getting preggers just yet but it's good to have a plan eh? A friend of mine is 12 weeks after trying for AGES and I'm so pleased for her. I must ask her if she's partial to yams.
Tra a bit!
Sunday 14 August 2011
Age ain't nothin' but a number...
Forgot to share this with y'all! Here's my 40th birthday bash invites, designed by my very own self. I'm rather proud.
Thrills, pills and bellyaches
So, I didn't get to see the surgeon on the 9th, my appointment was moved to the 23rd. Little bit irritating, especially as I have to sort cover for work then have to rearrange it all, which is a ball-ache, but I understand that (sadly) there are women AND men being diagnosed all the time and new patients should come first...am still impatient to get the ball rolling though. The "boob" is fine and dandy, no pain and only slight discomfort if I overdo things. Looking forward to having an op date though and planning what size I'm going to be (vacuous I know)...I feel like once the op's done that's the close of another chapter in the cancer book and I can get on with life as we know it. Am hoping that it's sooner rather than later. Hit the big 4-0 in October and would be a real "life begins..." if I was post op by then. Here's hoping!
Have been a bit worried of late as I've been so tired and under the weather and have lost some weight - despite going back to my bad diet and serious lack of exercise (I'm so crap.) I know that's probably contributing but I've been so exhausted I've been falling asleep almost as soon as I get home from work and napping in the afternoon at weekends. Not having any pain anywhere but I think because of the cancer cloud there's always a little bit of my brain that's going to worry that it's back or there's been some kind of metastatic spread. Had my breast clinic appointment (now 12 monthly - woo!) and everything seemed fine there...but...I don't know. My symptoms seemed to fit in with early pregnancy but then I started a period yesterday so although I was relieved as it's not perfect timing (want to get op out the way and financials sorted first) I was also a wee bit...disappointed? Yes, disappointed. I'm now part-time, 30 hours a week, so I shouldn't be feeling more tired that I was when I was full time and doing stupid shifts, should I? I guess I'll see how things go and see my GP if I don't improve in another couple of weeks. Sigh. Speaking of periods. It's great that they've come back so quickly and that means I'm still fertile but the raging PMT and the cramps and the heavy bleeding...WTF?! I haven't missed that one bit. I hate feeling so angry and irrational that even Mr F asking for bread and butter to go with the nice meal I'd just prepared sets me off on one. That incident will forever be referred to as Breadgate. This weekend has just been a mash of headaches, tummy aches and wavering between bursting into tears over ridiculous things and punching someone. Anyone will do. Maybe it's just as well Mr F's gone to work :).
So it's just me, evil kitty, gentle giant and our puppy lodger! My brother's pup's been staying with us for a couple of weeks. He's adorable but it's like having an overexcitable child in the house. No wonder I'm so tired.
We've put the little house on the market but no interest so far. Please someone buy our house! I'm sick of the pub carpets and dingy wallpaper and can't wait to get cracking with doing the house up we're actually living in. And obvs being able to pay our ever mounting debts off would be amazeballs. Probably not the best time to ditch hours at work and now the tenants are moving out next week that's the rent gone...bloody hell. Best get that recipe out for bugger all stew.
I've just worked out that if I give up smoking (what? You thought I'd done that already? Er...no) I will save about £180 a month. That should be motivation enough...
And did you know that women in their late thirties and forties have a 1 in 5 chance of conceiving twins? I need to stop interwebbing and do some washing.
Love to y'all!
Have been a bit worried of late as I've been so tired and under the weather and have lost some weight - despite going back to my bad diet and serious lack of exercise (I'm so crap.) I know that's probably contributing but I've been so exhausted I've been falling asleep almost as soon as I get home from work and napping in the afternoon at weekends. Not having any pain anywhere but I think because of the cancer cloud there's always a little bit of my brain that's going to worry that it's back or there's been some kind of metastatic spread. Had my breast clinic appointment (now 12 monthly - woo!) and everything seemed fine there...but...I don't know. My symptoms seemed to fit in with early pregnancy but then I started a period yesterday so although I was relieved as it's not perfect timing (want to get op out the way and financials sorted first) I was also a wee bit...disappointed? Yes, disappointed. I'm now part-time, 30 hours a week, so I shouldn't be feeling more tired that I was when I was full time and doing stupid shifts, should I? I guess I'll see how things go and see my GP if I don't improve in another couple of weeks. Sigh. Speaking of periods. It's great that they've come back so quickly and that means I'm still fertile but the raging PMT and the cramps and the heavy bleeding...WTF?! I haven't missed that one bit. I hate feeling so angry and irrational that even Mr F asking for bread and butter to go with the nice meal I'd just prepared sets me off on one. That incident will forever be referred to as Breadgate. This weekend has just been a mash of headaches, tummy aches and wavering between bursting into tears over ridiculous things and punching someone. Anyone will do. Maybe it's just as well Mr F's gone to work :).
So it's just me, evil kitty, gentle giant and our puppy lodger! My brother's pup's been staying with us for a couple of weeks. He's adorable but it's like having an overexcitable child in the house. No wonder I'm so tired.
We've put the little house on the market but no interest so far. Please someone buy our house! I'm sick of the pub carpets and dingy wallpaper and can't wait to get cracking with doing the house up we're actually living in. And obvs being able to pay our ever mounting debts off would be amazeballs. Probably not the best time to ditch hours at work and now the tenants are moving out next week that's the rent gone...bloody hell. Best get that recipe out for bugger all stew.
I've just worked out that if I give up smoking (what? You thought I'd done that already? Er...no) I will save about £180 a month. That should be motivation enough...
And did you know that women in their late thirties and forties have a 1 in 5 chance of conceiving twins? I need to stop interwebbing and do some washing.
Love to y'all!
Wednesday 8 June 2011
Fill her up!
Yesterday I had my last fill, another 50mls of saline. Now I'm up to 400mls and the booby is looking good. Bloody painful though. Nowhere near as bad as fills 2 and 3 but it is sore and uncomfortable enough to warrant painkillers. After my appointment yesterday I went into work until late monged out on co-codamol so I was no use to anyone but at least it cuts down on the taking my own annual leave for unpleasantries farce. Got home and Mr F was excited about the arrival of Wii Sports Resort but my heart (and my poor pec) wasn't in it. Managed a couple of games of archery and golf frisbee to show willing then had to retire gracefully.
My next appointment is in 2 months time when surgery planning will take place and I should get a date for the op. Mr F describes nice lady surgeon as "reassuringly dippy" - I have to remind her every time I go that I'm a)going bigger (alright!) and b) having the other boob augmented to match. As long as she remembers when I'm on that operating table and GA'd to the hilt then we'll be fine.
Still trying to be healthy and have lost about 4lb altogether by cutting out lovely crap (I can only look at the Chinese Chippy wistfully as I drive by) and going mad on the Wii. So far so good. Not managed to quit the ciggies yet though. Had planned to go cold turkey yesterday but that didn't quite work out. Hey ho. Need another date for my diary. The motivation should be the fact that although I'm eating well and exercising I still feel like shite. I've been so damn tired lately and feeling like I'm coming down with something. The hot flushes have abated though so that's a bonus. Have been struggling to work full time and do ridiculous hours so have negotiated going part time from 4th July. Working 30 hours instead of 37.5, no lates, no weekends, no bank holidays. Bliss! We'll miss the poundage but needs must and at least we can look at selling the little house we're currently renting out. Our tenants are interested in buying but not sure they can afford the asking price. Be brilliant to be able to pay off the long list of climbing credit card debts and some of the mortgages (yes, that's mortgages plural) and to have a bit to spend on the house we're in now. Feel like we should be living for the present and bloody well enjoying ourselves, not worrying about financials.
Had our first anniversary last week and went to Northcote Manor - it was fabulous. Went for the Gourmet Lunch with wine (a half bottle with every course and there were 6 courses, we were mash up and had to go to bed when we got home - ahem ;-)) which you can look at with envy here if you so wish. It's not the exact one we had but you get the idea. The credit card groaned and complained but it's only once a year so bollocks to it.
This afternoon there is more pain. My car's being MOTd and they always find something that needs fixing. Last time it was my brakes at £600. Then the dentist where I'm having casts and whatnot to have a crown replaced. That'll be another £400+. Jesus. The old one fell out when I was eating an apple.
Hope you're all well booby followers! I'll be back to moan, whinge, procrastinate and report on the boob soon no doubt but for now I feel like I've got a couple of months grace.
Tra for now!
My next appointment is in 2 months time when surgery planning will take place and I should get a date for the op. Mr F describes nice lady surgeon as "reassuringly dippy" - I have to remind her every time I go that I'm a)going bigger (alright!) and b) having the other boob augmented to match. As long as she remembers when I'm on that operating table and GA'd to the hilt then we'll be fine.
Still trying to be healthy and have lost about 4lb altogether by cutting out lovely crap (I can only look at the Chinese Chippy wistfully as I drive by) and going mad on the Wii. So far so good. Not managed to quit the ciggies yet though. Had planned to go cold turkey yesterday but that didn't quite work out. Hey ho. Need another date for my diary. The motivation should be the fact that although I'm eating well and exercising I still feel like shite. I've been so damn tired lately and feeling like I'm coming down with something. The hot flushes have abated though so that's a bonus. Have been struggling to work full time and do ridiculous hours so have negotiated going part time from 4th July. Working 30 hours instead of 37.5, no lates, no weekends, no bank holidays. Bliss! We'll miss the poundage but needs must and at least we can look at selling the little house we're currently renting out. Our tenants are interested in buying but not sure they can afford the asking price. Be brilliant to be able to pay off the long list of climbing credit card debts and some of the mortgages (yes, that's mortgages plural) and to have a bit to spend on the house we're in now. Feel like we should be living for the present and bloody well enjoying ourselves, not worrying about financials.
Had our first anniversary last week and went to Northcote Manor - it was fabulous. Went for the Gourmet Lunch with wine (a half bottle with every course and there were 6 courses, we were mash up and had to go to bed when we got home - ahem ;-)) which you can look at with envy here if you so wish. It's not the exact one we had but you get the idea. The credit card groaned and complained but it's only once a year so bollocks to it.
This afternoon there is more pain. My car's being MOTd and they always find something that needs fixing. Last time it was my brakes at £600. Then the dentist where I'm having casts and whatnot to have a crown replaced. That'll be another £400+. Jesus. The old one fell out when I was eating an apple.
Hope you're all well booby followers! I'll be back to moan, whinge, procrastinate and report on the boob soon no doubt but for now I feel like I've got a couple of months grace.
Tra for now!
Tuesday 24 May 2011
Are we nearly there yet?
Yes we are! Had my penultimate fill this morning, another 50mls administered by a nervous, nice wee registrar. That means another 50mls in 2 weeks and THAT'S IT. Feeling good so far, no pain and not too tight. Will keep taking the painkillers though, don't want to tempt fate. So. Brill. Hopefully will get to know what the plan is at next appointment as to when implants will be put in. Nice lady surgeon admired my cleavage this morning. Funny how little things can make you feel happy.
Another little thing that would normally not make me happy but did this morning was this. Dear readers if you've been following this sporadic, random and rambling blog you will know that following my diagnosis I was put on toxic phlegm and Zolodex (nasty, nasty side effects making you menopausal, fat and wickedly moody among other things)and have recently come off both of them. Not under medical supervision I hasten to add, just because I was f**ed off and craving a quality of life and, of course, there was the fertility stuff. At my last onc appointment I was told I might have gone through the menopause and was a tad upset at the thought. But, dear readers, this morning I started a period! Oh my. I went for a wee and there it was, looking up at me, long time no see. So, although this doesn't mean a whole lot in the scheme of things (it's not automatically going to follow that I fall pregnant at the first attempt obv) it does mean that it's unlikely that I'm menopausal, which is just ace. Psychologically it's mighty gratifying. Whoop.
This coming monday is my wedding anniversary. I've been married to the fabulous Mr F for a year now <3. How time flies! We will be celebrating in style by going to Northcote Manor like we're people with money (we aren't, but that's what credit cards are for.)
Fitter happier news - I lost a lb! A whole lb! And I was bloated and pre-menstrual. I've been going mad on the Wii and only eating goodness with a little treat here and there to stop me going completely mental. I do feel better for it. Now two weeks to go and I'll be giving up le fags. I'm dreading that. Bugger.
Love to y'all!
Another little thing that would normally not make me happy but did this morning was this. Dear readers if you've been following this sporadic, random and rambling blog you will know that following my diagnosis I was put on toxic phlegm and Zolodex (nasty, nasty side effects making you menopausal, fat and wickedly moody among other things)and have recently come off both of them. Not under medical supervision I hasten to add, just because I was f**ed off and craving a quality of life and, of course, there was the fertility stuff. At my last onc appointment I was told I might have gone through the menopause and was a tad upset at the thought. But, dear readers, this morning I started a period! Oh my. I went for a wee and there it was, looking up at me, long time no see. So, although this doesn't mean a whole lot in the scheme of things (it's not automatically going to follow that I fall pregnant at the first attempt obv) it does mean that it's unlikely that I'm menopausal, which is just ace. Psychologically it's mighty gratifying. Whoop.
This coming monday is my wedding anniversary. I've been married to the fabulous Mr F for a year now <3. How time flies! We will be celebrating in style by going to Northcote Manor like we're people with money (we aren't, but that's what credit cards are for.)
Fitter happier news - I lost a lb! A whole lb! And I was bloated and pre-menstrual. I've been going mad on the Wii and only eating goodness with a little treat here and there to stop me going completely mental. I do feel better for it. Now two weeks to go and I'll be giving up le fags. I'm dreading that. Bugger.
Love to y'all!
Wednesday 11 May 2011
The Drugs Do Work (But I'm Not Taking Them)
Several weeks free of toxic phlegm and zolodex (can't think of a comedy name for it no matter how hard I try) and I have to admit I'm feeling a return to something resembling a quality of life. Still having hot flushes (am I menopausal? Or is it pre-menstrual?), still overweight (ideal weight 9 stone, current weight 11 stone - erk) but starting to feel a creeping sense of motivation to start thinking about getting fitter and healthier. Notice I say 'start thinking about', not sure when I'll actually do something about it but it's a start. My diet is apalling, I smoke too much and do no exercise whatsoever. I'm always tired and my skin and hair look rubbish. So, I know that if I make the effort the rewards will be worth it.
On my to do list for a fitter happier K:-
Big booby love to ya'll. Wish me luck. I'm off for a fag...:)
On my to do list for a fitter happier K:-
- Give up the melvins. Easier said than done but I've done it before. Doesn't help that Mr F's a smoker but hey ho. Need to buy nicotine replacement thingies and a stress ball or some worry beads or some such. And make a date for giving up. Thought this would be good when I have my last fill and before I have the bionic boobs. Put date in diary.
- Massive diet overhaul. Minimise the takeaways (sigh) and maximise the salads. Give up bread, sugar and other stuff that tastes lovely but makes me feel crap. Been looking at the Flat Tummy Club diet and exercise site here after I saw it in the Daily Mail (not mine, somebody elses. Don't want you thinking I'm a Mail reader. That would be terrible.) Good to have a plan to work with, otherwise I convince myself that naughty food is allowed. Good shopping habits too - if I don't buy it I can't eat it. See?
- Exercise excercise excercise. I have a dog. I have weights. I have Wii Fit. There are no excuses.
- When all this is accomplished or I'm at least in the zone then I can treat myself to some new garms. I have nothing to wear. Srsly. Nothing fits (except Mr F's jeans) and he's getting fed up with me nicking his clothes. What better motivation than a shopathon eh girls? Shopping!
Big booby love to ya'll. Wish me luck. I'm off for a fag...:)
Saturday 30 April 2011
300 down 100 to go!
Had fill no. 4 last week. Got up early, had a proper breakfast (i.e. not just 2 cups of tea and a ciggie), took co-codamol and ibuprofen. Got there early and was in first. Asked to have just 50mls as it was so painful last time. And...no pain! Well, a few twinges and it feels tight as hell but I can live with that, relatively speaking. God, what a relief. Think it helped having 4 weeks in between too, so next appointment is 4 weeks away. That and the endless massaging and rubbing in various creams and potions (aqueous cream, smells horrible and takes a week to rub in; bio oil smells lovely and helps with the scarring.) So hopefully another two shots of 50mls of saline and that part of the bionic boob journey is over. Then it's just a matter of waiting till I'm ready for implantation. One good thing is that although right 'boob' is higher than left boob I look 'normal' when clothed and can now wear a bra. Hurrah! It's the really simple things that make a difference. And it may sound ridiculous but I'm really looking forward post-implantation to being able to go and buy lovely lovely underwear. The mastectomy bras do their job but it ain't the same.
In other news I'm having a medication 'break'. Stopped the Zolodex and went from menopausal to premenstrual in one week. Spent a lot of time blubbing over minor things then getting really irate about minor things. I'd forgotten what it was like. Still no period though. Got the occasional mid-cycle like pains but nothing happening there yet. Never thought I'd hear myself say I'd like to have a period. Life is strange.
In other news I'm having a medication 'break'. Stopped the Zolodex and went from menopausal to premenstrual in one week. Spent a lot of time blubbing over minor things then getting really irate about minor things. I'd forgotten what it was like. Still no period though. Got the occasional mid-cycle like pains but nothing happening there yet. Never thought I'd hear myself say I'd like to have a period. Life is strange.
Saturday 9 April 2011
Fill Me Up
Went for my third fill (two tuesdays ago now, sorry for the delay) and took 2 dihydrocodeine in anticipation before setting off. Felt like I floated the whole way to Nelson Community Hospital (and that's not a sentence I ever thought I'd say.) Told nice lady surgeon about previous post-fill hell and we decided on 60mls to take me up to 250mls. More than half way. Felt fine afterwards, decided to treat ourselves to a McDonalds breakfast...then half way home the pain started...and didn't stop for 48 hours. I had to take 2 days off sick. I puked so many times I lost count, couldn't even keep water down. Jesus. It still feels sore and uncomfortable. The good thing is that due to Easter my fourth appointment is 4 weeks from the third one so that might give my poor pec time to settle. Been massaging it with acqueous cream and bio oil in the hope that that'll help some. Big sigh. Still, only 150mls and three more fills to go. If I can manage 50mls a time that is...need better painkillers for next time. Anyone got any painkiller advice? For nerve pain? I'll give you a big kiss if you have.
Got an email from university this week saying I've got a big fat fail. Should have had exam and case study submitted in December but deferred due to Mrs P dying. I can void the mark and sit the exam and submit the case study NEXT MONTH. That's, like, next month. Hell. What's better, a fail because you don't sit the exam or a fail because you do? What a quandary.
It's absolutely beautiful outside and I have to go into work this weekend. Can you imagine how happy that makes me feel? Can you?
Bah!
Got an email from university this week saying I've got a big fat fail. Should have had exam and case study submitted in December but deferred due to Mrs P dying. I can void the mark and sit the exam and submit the case study NEXT MONTH. That's, like, next month. Hell. What's better, a fail because you don't sit the exam or a fail because you do? What a quandary.
It's absolutely beautiful outside and I have to go into work this weekend. Can you imagine how happy that makes me feel? Can you?
Bah!
Tuesday 22 March 2011
Cancer Really Isn't Hilarious
Oh, cancer, so much to answer for. I feel grim griminy today. The new boob to be has settled and is uncomfortable rather than out and out painful. But I just feel wrung out. I thought cancer would be, not a breeze, but certainly once you hear the words "it hasn't spread to the lymph nodes" you think that's it. Game over. I have won. Eighteen months down the line and it's still ruling my life. I think in some way it's my own fault for being so glib about it. I hitched a backy on the devil's Raleigh Chopper and rode around stickin V's up and blowing raspberries at cancer and now I'm 'paying' for it. The extreme fatigue, the struggle to work full time, the side effects of the medication, the psychological effects, the surgery, the endless hospital appointments, the fertility question...and on and on. The road from first symptoms to being 'cancer free' is laden with potholes, dog s**t and strange and frightening people lurking by the roadside. And you get to the point where you feel people lose interest. Like, you've had your diagnosis and most of your treatment so you should be full of the joys of spring and getting on with your life...you're one of the 'lucky' ones...and every time I read a celeb piece where they've 'bravely' battled the big C and have had an epiphany and know now that life is for living and you should live every day as if it's your last and yada yada, I feel sick and empty. Like deep down that should be me if only I didn't feel so SH1T. Bah. I *should* be positive; I *should* be trekking up a mountain somewhere wearing pink; I *should* be grateful. I'm not one for self-pity, I'm not a negative person, so all this is incredibly draining and alien. Maybe I'll feel differently next week. Maybe I should count my blessings. Woulda shoulda coulda. Or maybe I should hide under my duvet with a million menthol cigarettes and a bottle of my choice of alcoholic beverage and ask someone to wake me up when this is all over.
Wednesday 16 March 2011
The Agony and the...erm
Just the agony then. Went for my second "pumping up" yesterday. Drove myself as Mr F was working and I was planning to go into work myself afterwards. Lovely lady surgeon injected 50mls to start and it felt tight again but otherwise ok. Then about half way through the second 50mls I couldn't stand it - she injected the lot and had to remove some straightaway. After she'd removed 10mls it felt like the pressure was off so I said it felt better, got dressed and off I went. Not sure how I got myself home again the pain was that bad. I had to manoeuvre the car round a bunch of senior citizen ramblers on the car park which nearly finished me off. Thought if I got home and had some codeine and went to bed then the pain would ease off, but it just got worse. Lordy, I've never had so much pain in my LIFE! Stabbing pains, round the tissue expander, under the armpit, down the arm, in my shoulder blade. Nausea inducing muscle spasms. The tissue expander is rock hard. Strong painkillers didn't even touch the pain to take the edge off, and I was horribly sick. Mr F offered to leave work early and take me back in to have some saline removed but I couldn't stand the thought of getting back into the car for 20 minutes of the roads being pothole hell. F**k me but I'm seriously considering asking to have the damn thing out and going right breastless for all eternity. THAT's how much pain I was in. Tell you how bad it was, if someone had given me a gun I'd have shot myself.
Today, feels ever so slightly better. Have done a bit of a web search and think some of the pain is nerve related...it was weird feeling pain in an area that's been numb since the Mx and ANC. Today I have to go for my Zolodex injection so I'm going to have to get dressed and get my arse in gear. Am hoping that the pain of the injection will take my mind of the pain of the red hot brick under my chest wall. If anyone's reading this contemplating tissue expander based reconstruction, don't let me put you off :0). Tee hee.
Still off the Tamoxifen. Still having hot sweats etc. but figure that's the Zolodex. Still feel like a bag of s**te.
Man, I've had enough.
Today, feels ever so slightly better. Have done a bit of a web search and think some of the pain is nerve related...it was weird feeling pain in an area that's been numb since the Mx and ANC. Today I have to go for my Zolodex injection so I'm going to have to get dressed and get my arse in gear. Am hoping that the pain of the injection will take my mind of the pain of the red hot brick under my chest wall. If anyone's reading this contemplating tissue expander based reconstruction, don't let me put you off :0). Tee hee.
Still off the Tamoxifen. Still having hot sweats etc. but figure that's the Zolodex. Still feel like a bag of s**te.
Man, I've had enough.
Sunday 27 February 2011
Oh!
Almost forgot - still off the tamoxifen, have lost weight (hurrah) and am less moody (hurrah - Mr F) and really don't want to go back on it. B****cks to it. I'll stick with the Zolodez/Goserelin but that's it.
Now, my next mission is to get healthy, give up the cigs, start eating better (no more late night takeaways and Snickers for breakfast - boo) and maybe indulge in a little exercise. I'm just thinking about it for the moment though, don't want to rush into anything.
Tra for now!
Now, my next mission is to get healthy, give up the cigs, start eating better (no more late night takeaways and Snickers for breakfast - boo) and maybe indulge in a little exercise. I'm just thinking about it for the moment though, don't want to rush into anything.
Tra for now!
Pump It
I went for my first pumping up last week (tuesday) and wasn't really sure what to expect. Was a bit worried about how much saline would be injected and how sore/tight it would feel but to be honest it was okay. The nice lady consultant put a butterfly into the port, which is a big lump under my skin below my armpit, then injected 50 mls of saline while I was distracted talking about the state of the NHS. I thought, 50 mls that's not a bad amount is it? Then she appeared over me with another full 50 ml syringe and I panicked a bit but continued burbling on. It felt tight afterwards, a bit like having a brick lurking under my pit but it looks better already, not as flat and although it's more pec-like than boob-like it's encouraging. And if she injects that much every time (I go back every 2-3 weeks) then it shouldn't take too long till it's at the right size. It'll eventually be bigger than my other boob and will stay that way for a time but hey-ho. It'll be worth it.
I came home and me and Mr F treated ourselves to a MacDonalds' breakfast and then it started to feel really quite sore and tight so I took major painkillers and took myself off to bed for a bit. Managed to go into work the day after but now we have to take our own annual leave to go to hospital appointments it means I'm either going to be using up all my leave or I'll have to go straight into work after the next pumping. Grim. But, will have to see how it goes.
Will be glad when I'm at the end of all this. Can't believe this July it'll be two years since my diagnosis.
Have got a Sunday to myself while Mr F is in Brum sorting out family stuff so I might indulge in a little baking therapy and make some strawberry whoopie pies. Yum!
I came home and me and Mr F treated ourselves to a MacDonalds' breakfast and then it started to feel really quite sore and tight so I took major painkillers and took myself off to bed for a bit. Managed to go into work the day after but now we have to take our own annual leave to go to hospital appointments it means I'm either going to be using up all my leave or I'll have to go straight into work after the next pumping. Grim. But, will have to see how it goes.
Will be glad when I'm at the end of all this. Can't believe this July it'll be two years since my diagnosis.
Have got a Sunday to myself while Mr F is in Brum sorting out family stuff so I might indulge in a little baking therapy and make some strawberry whoopie pies. Yum!
Wednesday 9 February 2011
How to lose weight and influence people
Day whatever it is off Toxic Phlegm and am still tired tired tired but the hot flushes are fewer and less intense and I appear to have lost a bit of weight! Hurrah. Also sleeping better and not as moody (big result for Mr F there.) War wound still sore as but healing nicely. Been advised to rub a ton of aqueous cream on it in preparation for skin stretching in 2 weeks.
Am going back to work next week; after reading about other ladies' experiences of tissue expanders I am prepared for it to feel like having a brick shoved under my chest wall for a number of months so I might as well get on with it. Am absolutely dreading getting up at stupid o' clock though. No mention of phased return when I spoke to my managers - didn't want to push it as they've been really good and I'm conscious that I've had a lot of sick leave. Just want to get back to (as) normal (as possible.) Suppose if I'm struggling I'll just have to mention it, instead of gritting teeth and getting on.
Pityriasis Rosea now rampant! Slightly itchy but just looks so unattractive. I know that shouldn't be an issue but along with the scarring and bruising and weight gain I feel fugly. Oh the joys of BC. Wish I could be one of these warrior women who talks about kicking cancer's arse instead of a limp dishcloth who wants to hide under her duvet.
Just seen this via twitter - you can help raise funds for Breast Cancer Campaign by recycling your unwanted clothes here
I have a whole bunch of stuff that I was going to take to a Charity Shop but these dudes pick the clothes bags up from your home or work address - result.
Going out for a coffee with a work chum in a bit. Be nice to get out of the house and wear something other than me round t'houses. I might even treat myself to a cake.
Tra for now!
x
Am going back to work next week; after reading about other ladies' experiences of tissue expanders I am prepared for it to feel like having a brick shoved under my chest wall for a number of months so I might as well get on with it. Am absolutely dreading getting up at stupid o' clock though. No mention of phased return when I spoke to my managers - didn't want to push it as they've been really good and I'm conscious that I've had a lot of sick leave. Just want to get back to (as) normal (as possible.) Suppose if I'm struggling I'll just have to mention it, instead of gritting teeth and getting on.
Pityriasis Rosea now rampant! Slightly itchy but just looks so unattractive. I know that shouldn't be an issue but along with the scarring and bruising and weight gain I feel fugly. Oh the joys of BC. Wish I could be one of these warrior women who talks about kicking cancer's arse instead of a limp dishcloth who wants to hide under her duvet.
Just seen this via twitter - you can help raise funds for Breast Cancer Campaign by recycling your unwanted clothes here
I have a whole bunch of stuff that I was going to take to a Charity Shop but these dudes pick the clothes bags up from your home or work address - result.
Going out for a coffee with a work chum in a bit. Be nice to get out of the house and wear something other than me round t'houses. I might even treat myself to a cake.
Tra for now!
x
Monday 7 February 2011
Farewell, Tamoxifen (If Only For a Short Time)
I've reached a compromise and changed into my round th'houses (a Sweaty Betty orange 'lounge suit' that Mr F says makes me look like a baked bean), put some washing out and feel like I've achieved enough to warrant more hours in front of the idiot box.
Have finally decided, after much consideration, to have a break from Tamoxifen. I think it'll do us both good. I know, I know, I will have my critics but I care not. The side effects are vastly reducing my quality of life and I want to see if being without toxic phlegm means an end to the unbearable tiredness. And the mood swings (the lovely Mr F is such a patient soul. Loves him to pieces.) I'm hoping to go back to work next week and really can't face it feeling as tired as I currently feel. So, bollocks to it. Already the bone ache has reduced considerably and I'm sleeping better. I should probably discuss this with the onc but since he's on 4 weeks leave it'll have to wait.
Oh! When I was released from hospital confinement I was given a new softie. My original softie was a size 1 and this is a size 4 (I origiannly just went for the smallest softie which was actually far too small.) Went out for a pub tea last night with some of la famille and wore it for the first time. It looks good! I look symmetrical! Was a bit sore though, rubbing up against my war wound as I tackled my scampi.
Am bio-oiling like mad in preparation for my first pumping in two weeks time. Wheee!
Oh hai, PJ Day
It's nearly 2pm and I'm still in my jamas. Overslept this morning and missed my appointment for my Zolodex injection. Patient fail. Do you ever have those days when you really can't be arsed? That's, like, every day for me at the moment. Might go and unload the dishwasher then I'll feel justified in watching May The Best House Win.
Health news - I have raging Pityriasis Rosea. Basically a massive viral rash of red blobs probably due to being a bit run down. Looks well attractive. And itches like mad.
I should really go and get dressed.
Friday 4 February 2011
1 in 8
Forgot to post a link to the latest BC 'news' which you can read here
Can I just say that in the four years before I was diagnosed I had a BMI of 21, hardly drank alcohol, didn't smoke, ran several miles a week, went to the gym 3 times a week and had the healthiest diet which included every vitamin and mineral under the sun. So there.
Can I just say that in the four years before I was diagnosed I had a BMI of 21, hardly drank alcohol, didn't smoke, ran several miles a week, went to the gym 3 times a week and had the healthiest diet which included every vitamin and mineral under the sun. So there.
Dressing Down
Was finally able to take my dressing off yesterday. I must admit, the scar looks mighty neat (they insert the tissue expander by going in through the mastectomy scar) which is pleasing but it does look like someone's given me a good beating. Bruises every colour of the rainbow. Finished the antibiotics (I'm rubbish at taking tablets and keep forgetting) and not taking the painkillers any more. Not because I'm not having pain but because the pain is manageable and the meds made me feel like a zombie. I'd rather be sore but compus mentis.
Have spent this morning reading some very interesting threads on the BCC forum related to fertility. Doesn't make for happy reading as some of the ladies there have stories of friends who got pregnant after BC Tx and are now no longer with us due to recurrence/metastases. Very sad. But it's a great place for getting differing opinions and hearing other people's experiences. I'd heartily recommend it for anyone going through BC. So still doing a lot of thinking around the trying for a family issue. I suppose the best thing is for us both to speak to someone who can give us all the information and stats - that's where Mr F is in his element and where my eyes glaze over. Am seriously thinking of asking for a break from the Tamoxifen/Zolodex.
Anyway, am sure I'll be blogging about it whatever happens.
Feeling really sad at the moment for best mate B who is at the hospice with her mum. Still no change in her condition since B was called in last night but sounds very much like how things were with my mum. God, I really feel for her. Cancer is a stinking pile of shite.
Have spent this morning reading some very interesting threads on the BCC forum related to fertility. Doesn't make for happy reading as some of the ladies there have stories of friends who got pregnant after BC Tx and are now no longer with us due to recurrence/metastases. Very sad. But it's a great place for getting differing opinions and hearing other people's experiences. I'd heartily recommend it for anyone going through BC. So still doing a lot of thinking around the trying for a family issue. I suppose the best thing is for us both to speak to someone who can give us all the information and stats - that's where Mr F is in his element and where my eyes glaze over. Am seriously thinking of asking for a break from the Tamoxifen/Zolodex.
Anyway, am sure I'll be blogging about it whatever happens.
Feeling really sad at the moment for best mate B who is at the hospice with her mum. Still no change in her condition since B was called in last night but sounds very much like how things were with my mum. God, I really feel for her. Cancer is a stinking pile of shite.
Tuesday 1 February 2011
Ring-a-ding-ding/Tramadol Rocks
Crikey. I can't believe it's been almost a year since I last boob blogged. That's terrible. It's been a wild couple of years (insert celebrity cliche of your choice here - "emotional roller coaster", "I've been on a journey" etc.)
So...what's been occurring in my world. I am now MARRIED!!! I tied the knot with Mr F love of life on Sunday 30th May 2010. It was the best day ever. Laid back and fun fun fun just as I hoped it would be. The sun shone, my dress looked aces, Mr F looked so, so handsome, we had cupcakes and Pimms and canapes and...oh, it was just lovely. I should really post a photo here shouldn't I? Oh go on then.
Photo courtesy of www.struvephotography.co.uk - our photographer Kristin was uh-MAZING. I know I'm biased but they really are the best weddiing photos I've ever seen. Such a wonderful day spent with all the people we love <3...
We honeymooned in Barbados and then moved house shortly after our return to a bigger property. Mainly because we have added to our family - with a rather large dog. Storm was a Valentine's Day present for Mr F and he's adorable and HUGE. Mo's not impressed and they've had a few scuffles with Mo drawing blood. He's still as grumpy as ever and twice as big. Here's our Stormy:
He's a one year old Alaskan Malamute and a bit of a handful at times but we loves him. He's currently fast asleep in the hallway. And no blog post would be complete without a photo of Big Mo.
Here he is plotting world domination.
So far so happy. I started a course at work to expand my repertoire in September and it gives me a bit more variety in my work and it's interesting so all good.
Anyroadup...I suppose I should talk about my boobs. I had an appointment in November with Miss I about breast reconstruction, was prodded and poked and measured, shown some before and after photos for different types of recon and basically told I could have whichever operation I wanted. After a month of reading and fannying about on t'web I plumped for the tissue expander breast recon. This website shows the different types of recon here . Basically the tissue expander based surgery is the least traumatic, less time in surgery, less chance of complications, less time off work etc. so it was the best option for me. I couldn't bear the thought of a long stay in hospital and a long recovery time. With the tissue expander it's inserted under the chest muscle and is injected with saline every 2 weeks until it's stretched the skin to be bigger than the size you eventually want to be. Then it's removed and implants are inserted. And yes, I've asked to go bigger so will be having implants on both sides. I'm determined to get something out of this! I was put on the waiting list in December and told it would be Spring but got a phone call in January asking if I could go in the following week. Felt a bit guilty as I'd only just gone back to work after being off for 7 weeks or so. But hey ho, they were very lovely about it and I guess they knew it meant a lot to me to have it done. I went in for the op last week, everything went well, the other inmates were lovely (no loony Junes this time!) had an overnight stay and was home the day after with a bucketload of painkillers (Tramadol rocks!) It was sore as hell, much more so than I anticipated, but it's getting less sore every day. I'm still super tired but that will get better. I go to the outpatient clinic in 3 weeks to be pumped up for the first time. So that's me boob wise.
Although not everything in the garden has been rosy...tragically in October Mrs P lost the fight against the Big C. She made it to the wedding and looked just beautiful, but after that her health deteriorated. We were all with her when she died and that means a lot. I managed to do the eulogy at her funeral after a bit of a wobbly start. But it's hard, I miss her so much. We all do. I went back to work and thought I was doing ok but ended up going off with 'depressive disorder' in December. I suppose everything just caught up with me.
More potentially crap news (although nowhere near as sad as losing my beloved Mrs P)...saw the oncology registrar a couple of weeks ago and broached the thorny subject of my fertility. Or lack of it. He asked me if I'd had eggs frozen or ovarian preservation before treatment given my age - I said it wasn't offered. At the time I was given tamoxifen and told it would give me menopausal symptoms, and the zolodex would stop my ovaries from working but that would go back to normal once I'd stopped the injections (or about 6 months after)...but this chap gave it to me straight and said that as I was 39 I may well have gone through the menopause on the medication. And as I hadn't had any ovarian preservation or egg freezing then...bollocks. I could feel myself wanting to cry. He also said that even if I hadn't gone through the menopause and if I did get pregnant then a) the tamoxifen could cause serious problems with the developing fetus and b) although being pregnant means a drop in oestrogen giving birth means a sudden rise in oestrogen and as the tumour was oestrogen receptor positive there's a chance that the cancer might come back. Hell. So much to think about. I came home and had a good cry with Mr F. Suddenly I felt old and useless. Mr F's been just brilliant about everything. He's an angel. But now we're going to have to go and see the onc and discuss all the options and whatever and God, it never ends does it? Fecking cancer.
So...what's been occurring in my world. I am now MARRIED!!! I tied the knot with Mr F love of life on Sunday 30th May 2010. It was the best day ever. Laid back and fun fun fun just as I hoped it would be. The sun shone, my dress looked aces, Mr F looked so, so handsome, we had cupcakes and Pimms and canapes and...oh, it was just lovely. I should really post a photo here shouldn't I? Oh go on then.
Photo courtesy of www.struvephotography.co.uk - our photographer Kristin was uh-MAZING. I know I'm biased but they really are the best weddiing photos I've ever seen. Such a wonderful day spent with all the people we love <3...
We honeymooned in Barbados and then moved house shortly after our return to a bigger property. Mainly because we have added to our family - with a rather large dog. Storm was a Valentine's Day present for Mr F and he's adorable and HUGE. Mo's not impressed and they've had a few scuffles with Mo drawing blood. He's still as grumpy as ever and twice as big. Here's our Stormy:
He's a one year old Alaskan Malamute and a bit of a handful at times but we loves him. He's currently fast asleep in the hallway. And no blog post would be complete without a photo of Big Mo.
Here he is plotting world domination.
So far so happy. I started a course at work to expand my repertoire in September and it gives me a bit more variety in my work and it's interesting so all good.
Anyroadup...I suppose I should talk about my boobs. I had an appointment in November with Miss I about breast reconstruction, was prodded and poked and measured, shown some before and after photos for different types of recon and basically told I could have whichever operation I wanted. After a month of reading and fannying about on t'web I plumped for the tissue expander breast recon. This website shows the different types of recon here . Basically the tissue expander based surgery is the least traumatic, less time in surgery, less chance of complications, less time off work etc. so it was the best option for me. I couldn't bear the thought of a long stay in hospital and a long recovery time. With the tissue expander it's inserted under the chest muscle and is injected with saline every 2 weeks until it's stretched the skin to be bigger than the size you eventually want to be. Then it's removed and implants are inserted. And yes, I've asked to go bigger so will be having implants on both sides. I'm determined to get something out of this! I was put on the waiting list in December and told it would be Spring but got a phone call in January asking if I could go in the following week. Felt a bit guilty as I'd only just gone back to work after being off for 7 weeks or so. But hey ho, they were very lovely about it and I guess they knew it meant a lot to me to have it done. I went in for the op last week, everything went well, the other inmates were lovely (no loony Junes this time!) had an overnight stay and was home the day after with a bucketload of painkillers (Tramadol rocks!) It was sore as hell, much more so than I anticipated, but it's getting less sore every day. I'm still super tired but that will get better. I go to the outpatient clinic in 3 weeks to be pumped up for the first time. So that's me boob wise.
Although not everything in the garden has been rosy...tragically in October Mrs P lost the fight against the Big C. She made it to the wedding and looked just beautiful, but after that her health deteriorated. We were all with her when she died and that means a lot. I managed to do the eulogy at her funeral after a bit of a wobbly start. But it's hard, I miss her so much. We all do. I went back to work and thought I was doing ok but ended up going off with 'depressive disorder' in December. I suppose everything just caught up with me.
More potentially crap news (although nowhere near as sad as losing my beloved Mrs P)...saw the oncology registrar a couple of weeks ago and broached the thorny subject of my fertility. Or lack of it. He asked me if I'd had eggs frozen or ovarian preservation before treatment given my age - I said it wasn't offered. At the time I was given tamoxifen and told it would give me menopausal symptoms, and the zolodex would stop my ovaries from working but that would go back to normal once I'd stopped the injections (or about 6 months after)...but this chap gave it to me straight and said that as I was 39 I may well have gone through the menopause on the medication. And as I hadn't had any ovarian preservation or egg freezing then...bollocks. I could feel myself wanting to cry. He also said that even if I hadn't gone through the menopause and if I did get pregnant then a) the tamoxifen could cause serious problems with the developing fetus and b) although being pregnant means a drop in oestrogen giving birth means a sudden rise in oestrogen and as the tumour was oestrogen receptor positive there's a chance that the cancer might come back. Hell. So much to think about. I came home and had a good cry with Mr F. Suddenly I felt old and useless. Mr F's been just brilliant about everything. He's an angel. But now we're going to have to go and see the onc and discuss all the options and whatever and God, it never ends does it? Fecking cancer.
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