Cancer Really Isn't Hilarious

Oh, cancer, so much to answer for.  I feel grim griminy today.  The new boob to be has settled and is uncomfortable rather than out and out painful.  But I just feel wrung out.  I thought cancer would be, not a breeze, but certainly once you hear the words "it hasn't spread to the lymph nodes" you think that's it.  Game over.  I have won.  Eighteen months down the line and it's still ruling my life.  I think in some way it's my own fault for being so glib about it.  I hitched a backy on the devil's Raleigh Chopper and rode around stickin V's up and blowing raspberries at cancer and now I'm 'paying' for it.  The extreme fatigue, the struggle to work full time, the side effects of the medication, the psychological effects, the surgery, the endless hospital appointments, the fertility question...and on and on.  The road from first symptoms to being 'cancer free' is laden with potholes, dog s**t and strange and frightening people lurking by the roadside.  And you get to the point where you feel people lose interest.  Like, you've had your diagnosis and most of your treatment so you should be full of the joys of spring and getting on with your life...you're one of the 'lucky' ones...and every time I read a celeb piece where they've 'bravely' battled the big C and have had an epiphany and know now that life is for living and you should live every day as if it's your last and yada yada, I feel sick and empty.  Like deep down that should be me if only I didn't feel so SH1T.  Bah.  I *should* be positive; I *should* be trekking up a mountain somewhere wearing pink; I *should* be grateful.  I'm not one for self-pity, I'm not a negative person, so all this is incredibly draining and alien.  Maybe I'll feel differently next week.  Maybe I should count my blessings.  Woulda shoulda coulda.  Or maybe I should hide under my duvet with a million menthol cigarettes and a bottle of my choice of alcoholic beverage and ask someone to wake me up when this is all over. 

The Agony and the...erm

Just the agony then.  Went for my second "pumping up" yesterday.  Drove myself as Mr F was working and I was planning to go into work myself afterwards.  Lovely lady surgeon injected 50mls to start and it felt tight again but otherwise ok.  Then about half way through the second 50mls I couldn't stand it - she injected the lot and had to remove some straightaway.  After she'd removed 10mls it felt like the pressure was off so I said it felt better, got dressed and off I went.  Not sure how I got myself home again the pain was that bad.  I had to manoeuvre the car round a bunch of senior citizen ramblers on the car park which nearly finished me off.  Thought if I got home and had some codeine and went to bed then the pain would ease off, but it just got worse.  Lordy, I've never had so much pain in my LIFE!  Stabbing pains, round the tissue expander, under the armpit, down the arm, in my shoulder blade.  Nausea inducing muscle spasms.  The tissue expander is rock hard.  Strong painkillers didn't even touch the pain to take the edge off, and I was horribly sick.  Mr F offered to leave work early and take me back in to have some saline removed but I couldn't stand the thought of getting back into the car for 20 minutes of the roads being pothole hell.  F**k me but I'm seriously considering asking to have the damn thing out and going right breastless for all eternity.  THAT's how much pain I was in.  Tell you how bad it was, if someone had given me a gun I'd have shot myself.
Today, feels ever so slightly better.  Have done a bit of a web search and think some of the pain is nerve related...it was weird feeling pain in an area that's been numb since the Mx and ANC.  Today I have to go for my Zolodex injection so I'm going to have to get dressed and get my arse in gear.  Am hoping that the pain of the injection will take my mind of the pain of the red hot brick under my chest wall.  If anyone's reading this contemplating tissue expander based reconstruction, don't let me put you off :0).  Tee hee.
Still off the Tamoxifen.  Still having hot sweats etc. but figure that's the Zolodex.  Still feel like a bag of s**te.  

Man, I've had enough.