Oh!

Almost forgot - still off the tamoxifen, have lost weight (hurrah) and am less moody (hurrah - Mr F) and really don't want to go back on it.  B****cks to it.  I'll stick with the Zolodez/Goserelin but that's it.  
Now, my next mission is to get healthy, give up the cigs, start eating better (no more late night takeaways and Snickers for breakfast - boo) and maybe indulge in a little exercise.  I'm just thinking about it for the moment though, don't want to rush into anything.

Tra for now!

Pump It

I went for my first pumping up last week (tuesday) and wasn't really sure what to expect.  Was a bit worried about how much saline would be injected and how sore/tight it would feel but to be honest it was okay.  The nice lady consultant put a butterfly into the port, which is a big lump under my skin below my armpit, then injected 50 mls of saline while I was distracted talking about the state of the NHS.  I thought, 50 mls that's not a bad amount is it?  Then she appeared over me with another full 50 ml syringe and I panicked a bit but continued burbling on.  It felt tight afterwards, a bit like having a brick lurking under my pit but it looks better already, not as flat and although it's more pec-like than boob-like it's encouraging.  And if she injects that much every time (I go back every 2-3 weeks) then it shouldn't take too long till it's at the right size.  It'll eventually be bigger than my other boob and will stay that way for a time but hey-ho.  It'll be worth it.
I came home and me and Mr F treated ourselves to a MacDonalds' breakfast and then it started to feel really quite sore and tight so I took major painkillers and took myself off to bed for a bit.  Managed to go into work the day after but now we have to take our own annual leave to go to hospital appointments it means I'm either going to be using up all my leave or I'll have to go straight into work after the next pumping.  Grim.  But, will have to see how it goes.  
Will be glad when I'm at the end of all this.  Can't believe this July it'll be two years since my diagnosis.  
Have got a Sunday to myself while Mr F is in Brum sorting out family stuff so I might indulge in a little baking therapy and make some strawberry whoopie pies.  Yum!
 

How to lose weight and influence people

Day whatever it is off Toxic Phlegm and am still tired tired tired but the hot flushes are fewer and less intense and I appear to have lost a bit of weight!  Hurrah.  Also sleeping better and not as moody (big result for Mr F there.)  War wound still sore as but healing nicely.  Been advised to rub a ton of aqueous cream on it in preparation for skin stretching in 2 weeks.  

Am going back to work next week; after reading about other ladies' experiences of tissue expanders I am prepared for it to feel like having a brick shoved under my chest wall for a number of months so I might as well get on with it.  Am absolutely dreading getting up at stupid o' clock though.  No mention of phased return when I spoke to my managers - didn't want to push it as they've been really good and I'm conscious that I've had a lot of sick leave.  Just want to get back to (as) normal (as possible.)  Suppose if I'm struggling I'll just have to mention it, instead of gritting teeth and getting on.  

Pityriasis Rosea now rampant!  Slightly itchy but just looks so unattractive.  I know that shouldn't be an issue but along with the scarring and bruising and weight gain I feel fugly.  Oh the joys of BC.  Wish I could be one of these warrior women who talks about kicking cancer's arse instead of a limp dishcloth who wants to hide under her duvet.  
  
Just seen this via twitter - you can help raise funds for Breast Cancer Campaign by recycling your unwanted clothes here
I have a whole bunch of stuff that I was going to take to a Charity Shop but these dudes pick the clothes bags up from your home or work address - result.

Going out for a coffee with a work chum in a bit.  Be nice to get out of the house and wear something other than me round t'houses.  I might even treat myself to a cake.


Tra for now!
x

 

Farewell, Tamoxifen (If Only For a Short Time)

I've reached a compromise and changed into my round th'houses (a Sweaty Betty orange 'lounge suit' that Mr F says makes me look like a baked bean), put some washing out and feel like I've achieved enough to warrant more hours in front of the idiot box.

Have finally decided, after much consideration, to have a break from Tamoxifen.  I think it'll do us both good.  I know, I know, I will have my critics but I care not.  The side effects are vastly reducing my quality of life and I want to see if being without toxic phlegm means an end to the unbearable tiredness.  And the mood swings (the lovely Mr F is such a patient soul.  Loves him to pieces.)  I'm hoping to go back to work next week and really can't face it feeling as tired as I currently feel.  So, bollocks to it.  Already the bone ache has reduced considerably and I'm sleeping better.  I should probably discuss this with the onc but since he's on 4 weeks leave it'll have to wait.  

Oh!  When I was released from hospital confinement I was given a new softie. My original softie was a size 1 and this is a size 4 (I origiannly just went for the smallest softie which was actually far too small.)  Went out for a pub tea last night with some of la famille and wore it for the first time.  It looks good!  I look symmetrical!  Was a bit sore though, rubbing up against my war wound as I tackled my scampi.

Am bio-oiling like mad in preparation for my first pumping in two weeks time.  Wheee!

Oh hai, PJ Day

It's nearly 2pm and I'm still in my jamas.  Overslept this morning and missed my appointment for my Zolodex injection.  Patient fail.  Do you ever have those days when you really can't be arsed?  That's, like, every day for me at the moment.  Might go and unload the dishwasher then I'll feel justified in watching May The Best House Win.  

Health news - I have raging Pityriasis Rosea.  Basically a massive viral rash of red blobs probably due to being a bit run down.  Looks well attractive.  And itches like mad.  

I should really go and get dressed.

1 in 8

Forgot to post a link to the latest BC 'news' which you can read here

Can I just say that in the four years before I was diagnosed I had a BMI of 21, hardly drank alcohol, didn't smoke, ran several miles a week, went to the gym 3 times a week and had the healthiest diet which included every vitamin and mineral under the sun.  So there.

Dressing Down

Was finally able to take my dressing off yesterday.  I must admit, the scar looks mighty neat (they insert the tissue expander by going in through the mastectomy scar) which is pleasing but it does look like someone's given me a good beating.  Bruises every colour of the rainbow.  Finished the antibiotics (I'm rubbish at taking tablets and keep forgetting) and not taking the painkillers any more.  Not because I'm not having pain but because the pain is manageable and the meds made me feel like a zombie.  I'd rather be sore but compus mentis.  

Have spent this morning reading some very interesting threads on the BCC forum related to fertility.  Doesn't make for happy reading as some of the ladies there have stories of friends who got pregnant after BC Tx and are now no longer with us due to recurrence/metastases.  Very sad.  But it's a great place for getting differing opinions and hearing other people's experiences.  I'd heartily recommend it for anyone going through BC.  So still doing a lot of thinking around the trying for a family issue.  I suppose the best thing is for us both to speak to someone who can give us all the information and stats - that's where Mr F is in his element and where my eyes glaze over.  Am seriously thinking of asking for a break from the Tamoxifen/Zolodex.
Anyway, am sure I'll be blogging about it whatever happens.

Feeling really sad at the moment for best mate B who is at the hospice with her mum.  Still no change in her condition since B was called in last night but sounds very much like how things were with my mum.  God, I really feel for her.  Cancer is a stinking pile of shite.

Ring-a-ding-ding/Tramadol Rocks

Crikey.  I can't believe it's been almost a year since I last boob blogged.  That's terrible.  It's been a wild couple of years (insert celebrity cliche of your choice here - "emotional roller coaster", "I've been on a journey" etc.)   
So...what's been occurring in my world.  I am now MARRIED!!!  I tied the knot with Mr F love of life on Sunday 30th May 2010.  It was the best day ever.  Laid back and fun fun fun just as I hoped it would be.  The sun shone, my dress looked aces, Mr F looked so, so handsome, we had cupcakes and Pimms and canapes and...oh, it was just lovely.  I should really post a photo here shouldn't I?  Oh go on then.

Photo courtesy of www.struvephotography.co.uk - our photographer Kristin was uh-MAZING.  I know I'm biased but they really are the best weddiing photos I've ever seen.  Such a wonderful day spent with all the people we love <3...
We honeymooned in Barbados and then moved house shortly after our return to a bigger property.  Mainly because we have added to our family - with a rather large dog.  Storm was a Valentine's Day present for Mr F and he's adorable and HUGE.  Mo's not impressed and they've had a few scuffles with Mo drawing blood.  He's still as grumpy as ever and twice as big.  Here's our Stormy:

He's a one year old Alaskan Malamute and a bit of a handful at times but we loves him.  He's currently fast asleep in the hallway.  And no blog post would be complete without a photo of Big Mo.

Here he is plotting world domination.
So far so happy.  I started a course at work to expand my repertoire in September and it gives me a bit more variety in my work and it's interesting so all good.

Anyroadup...I suppose I should talk about my boobs.  I had an appointment in November with Miss I about breast reconstruction, was prodded and poked and measured, shown some before and after photos for different types of recon and basically told I could have whichever operation I wanted.  After a month of reading and fannying about on t'web I plumped for the tissue expander breast recon.  This website shows the different types of recon here .  Basically the tissue expander based surgery is the least traumatic, less time in surgery, less chance of complications, less time off work etc. so it was the best option for me.  I couldn't bear the thought of a long stay in hospital and a long recovery time.  With the tissue expander it's inserted under the chest muscle and is injected with saline every 2 weeks until it's stretched the skin to be bigger than the size you eventually want to be.  Then it's removed and implants are inserted.  And yes, I've asked to go bigger so will be having implants on both sides.  I'm determined to get something out of this!  I was put on the waiting list in December and told it would be Spring but got a phone call in January asking if I could go in the following week.  Felt a bit guilty as I'd only just gone back to work after being off for 7 weeks or so. But hey ho, they were very lovely about it and I guess they knew it meant a lot to me to have it done.  I went in for the op last week, everything went well, the other inmates were lovely (no loony Junes this time!) had an overnight stay and was home the day after with a bucketload of painkillers (Tramadol rocks!)  It was sore as hell, much more so than I anticipated, but it's getting less sore every day.  I'm still super tired but that will get better.  I go to the outpatient clinic in 3 weeks to be pumped up for the first time.  So that's me boob wise.  

Although not everything in the garden has been rosy...tragically in October Mrs P lost the fight against the Big C.  She made it to the wedding and looked just beautiful, but after that her health deteriorated.  We were all with her when she died and that means a lot.  I managed to do the eulogy at her funeral after a bit of a wobbly start.  But it's hard, I miss her so much.  We all do.  I went back to work and thought I was doing ok but ended up going off with 'depressive disorder' in December.  I suppose everything just caught up with me.   
More potentially crap news (although nowhere near as sad as losing my beloved Mrs P)...saw the oncology registrar a couple of weeks ago and broached the thorny subject of my fertility.  Or lack of it.  He asked me if I'd had eggs frozen or ovarian preservation before treatment given my age - I said it wasn't offered.  At the time I was given tamoxifen and told it would give me menopausal symptoms, and the zolodex would stop my ovaries from working but that would go back to normal once I'd stopped the injections (or about 6 months after)...but this chap gave it to me straight and said that as I was 39 I may well have gone through the menopause on the medication.  And as I hadn't had any ovarian preservation or egg freezing then...bollocks.  I could feel myself wanting to cry.  He also said that even if I hadn't gone through the menopause and if I did get pregnant then a) the tamoxifen could cause serious problems with the developing fetus and b) although being pregnant means a drop in oestrogen giving birth means a sudden rise in oestrogen and as the tumour was oestrogen receptor positive there's a chance that the cancer might come back.  Hell.  So much to think about.  I came home and had a good cry with Mr F.  Suddenly I felt old and useless.  Mr F's been just brilliant about everything.  He's an angel.  But now we're going to have to go and see the onc and discuss all the options and whatever and God, it never ends does it?  Fecking cancer.