300 down 100 to go!

Had fill no. 4 last week.  Got up early, had a proper breakfast (i.e. not just 2 cups of tea and a ciggie), took co-codamol and ibuprofen.  Got there early and was in first.  Asked to have just 50mls as it was so painful last time.  And...no pain!  Well, a few twinges and it feels tight as hell but I can live with that, relatively speaking.  God, what a relief.  Think it helped having 4 weeks in between too, so next appointment is 4 weeks away.  That and the endless massaging and rubbing in various creams and potions (aqueous cream, smells horrible and takes a week to rub in; bio oil smells lovely and helps with the scarring.)  So hopefully another two shots of 50mls of saline and that part of the bionic boob journey is over.  Then it's just a matter of waiting till I'm ready for implantation.  One good thing is that although right 'boob' is higher than left boob I look 'normal' when clothed and can now wear a bra.  Hurrah!  It's the really simple things that make a difference.  And it may sound ridiculous but I'm really looking forward post-implantation to being able to go and buy lovely lovely underwear.  The mastectomy bras do their job but it ain't the same.
In other news I'm having a medication 'break'.  Stopped the Zolodex and went from menopausal to premenstrual in one week.  Spent a lot of time blubbing over minor things then getting really irate about minor things.  I'd forgotten what it was like.  Still no period though.  Got the occasional mid-cycle like pains but nothing happening there yet.  Never thought I'd hear myself say I'd like to have a period.  Life is strange.

Fill Me Up

Went for my third fill (two tuesdays ago now, sorry for the delay) and took 2 dihydrocodeine in anticipation before setting off.  Felt like I floated the whole way to Nelson Community Hospital (and that's not a sentence I ever thought I'd say.)  Told nice lady surgeon about previous post-fill hell and we decided on 60mls to take me up to 250mls.  More than half way.  Felt fine afterwards, decided to treat ourselves to a McDonalds breakfast...then half way home the pain started...and didn't stop for 48 hours.  I had to take 2 days off sick.  I puked so many times I lost count, couldn't even keep water down.  Jesus.  It still feels sore and uncomfortable.  The good thing is that due to Easter my fourth appointment is 4 weeks from the third one so that might give my poor pec time to settle.  Been massaging it with acqueous cream and bio oil in the hope that that'll help some.  Big sigh.  Still, only 150mls and three more fills to go.  If I can manage 50mls a time that is...need better painkillers for next time.  Anyone got any painkiller advice?  For nerve pain?  I'll give you a big kiss if you have.

Got an email from university this week saying I've got a big fat fail.  Should have had exam and case study submitted in December but deferred due to Mrs P dying.  I can void the mark and sit the exam and submit the case study NEXT MONTH.  That's, like, next month.  Hell.  What's better, a fail because you don't sit the exam or a fail because you do?  What a quandary.

It's absolutely beautiful outside and I have to go into work this weekend.  Can you imagine how happy that makes me feel?  Can you?
Bah!

Cancer Really Isn't Hilarious

Oh, cancer, so much to answer for.  I feel grim griminy today.  The new boob to be has settled and is uncomfortable rather than out and out painful.  But I just feel wrung out.  I thought cancer would be, not a breeze, but certainly once you hear the words "it hasn't spread to the lymph nodes" you think that's it.  Game over.  I have won.  Eighteen months down the line and it's still ruling my life.  I think in some way it's my own fault for being so glib about it.  I hitched a backy on the devil's Raleigh Chopper and rode around stickin V's up and blowing raspberries at cancer and now I'm 'paying' for it.  The extreme fatigue, the struggle to work full time, the side effects of the medication, the psychological effects, the surgery, the endless hospital appointments, the fertility question...and on and on.  The road from first symptoms to being 'cancer free' is laden with potholes, dog s**t and strange and frightening people lurking by the roadside.  And you get to the point where you feel people lose interest.  Like, you've had your diagnosis and most of your treatment so you should be full of the joys of spring and getting on with your life...you're one of the 'lucky' ones...and every time I read a celeb piece where they've 'bravely' battled the big C and have had an epiphany and know now that life is for living and you should live every day as if it's your last and yada yada, I feel sick and empty.  Like deep down that should be me if only I didn't feel so SH1T.  Bah.  I *should* be positive; I *should* be trekking up a mountain somewhere wearing pink; I *should* be grateful.  I'm not one for self-pity, I'm not a negative person, so all this is incredibly draining and alien.  Maybe I'll feel differently next week.  Maybe I should count my blessings.  Woulda shoulda coulda.  Or maybe I should hide under my duvet with a million menthol cigarettes and a bottle of my choice of alcoholic beverage and ask someone to wake me up when this is all over. 

The Agony and the...erm

Just the agony then.  Went for my second "pumping up" yesterday.  Drove myself as Mr F was working and I was planning to go into work myself afterwards.  Lovely lady surgeon injected 50mls to start and it felt tight again but otherwise ok.  Then about half way through the second 50mls I couldn't stand it - she injected the lot and had to remove some straightaway.  After she'd removed 10mls it felt like the pressure was off so I said it felt better, got dressed and off I went.  Not sure how I got myself home again the pain was that bad.  I had to manoeuvre the car round a bunch of senior citizen ramblers on the car park which nearly finished me off.  Thought if I got home and had some codeine and went to bed then the pain would ease off, but it just got worse.  Lordy, I've never had so much pain in my LIFE!  Stabbing pains, round the tissue expander, under the armpit, down the arm, in my shoulder blade.  Nausea inducing muscle spasms.  The tissue expander is rock hard.  Strong painkillers didn't even touch the pain to take the edge off, and I was horribly sick.  Mr F offered to leave work early and take me back in to have some saline removed but I couldn't stand the thought of getting back into the car for 20 minutes of the roads being pothole hell.  F**k me but I'm seriously considering asking to have the damn thing out and going right breastless for all eternity.  THAT's how much pain I was in.  Tell you how bad it was, if someone had given me a gun I'd have shot myself.
Today, feels ever so slightly better.  Have done a bit of a web search and think some of the pain is nerve related...it was weird feeling pain in an area that's been numb since the Mx and ANC.  Today I have to go for my Zolodex injection so I'm going to have to get dressed and get my arse in gear.  Am hoping that the pain of the injection will take my mind of the pain of the red hot brick under my chest wall.  If anyone's reading this contemplating tissue expander based reconstruction, don't let me put you off :0).  Tee hee.
Still off the Tamoxifen.  Still having hot sweats etc. but figure that's the Zolodex.  Still feel like a bag of s**te.  

Man, I've had enough. 

Oh!

Almost forgot - still off the tamoxifen, have lost weight (hurrah) and am less moody (hurrah - Mr F) and really don't want to go back on it.  B****cks to it.  I'll stick with the Zolodez/Goserelin but that's it.  
Now, my next mission is to get healthy, give up the cigs, start eating better (no more late night takeaways and Snickers for breakfast - boo) and maybe indulge in a little exercise.  I'm just thinking about it for the moment though, don't want to rush into anything.

Tra for now!

Pump It

I went for my first pumping up last week (tuesday) and wasn't really sure what to expect.  Was a bit worried about how much saline would be injected and how sore/tight it would feel but to be honest it was okay.  The nice lady consultant put a butterfly into the port, which is a big lump under my skin below my armpit, then injected 50 mls of saline while I was distracted talking about the state of the NHS.  I thought, 50 mls that's not a bad amount is it?  Then she appeared over me with another full 50 ml syringe and I panicked a bit but continued burbling on.  It felt tight afterwards, a bit like having a brick lurking under my pit but it looks better already, not as flat and although it's more pec-like than boob-like it's encouraging.  And if she injects that much every time (I go back every 2-3 weeks) then it shouldn't take too long till it's at the right size.  It'll eventually be bigger than my other boob and will stay that way for a time but hey-ho.  It'll be worth it.
I came home and me and Mr F treated ourselves to a MacDonalds' breakfast and then it started to feel really quite sore and tight so I took major painkillers and took myself off to bed for a bit.  Managed to go into work the day after but now we have to take our own annual leave to go to hospital appointments it means I'm either going to be using up all my leave or I'll have to go straight into work after the next pumping.  Grim.  But, will have to see how it goes.  
Will be glad when I'm at the end of all this.  Can't believe this July it'll be two years since my diagnosis.  
Have got a Sunday to myself while Mr F is in Brum sorting out family stuff so I might indulge in a little baking therapy and make some strawberry whoopie pies.  Yum!
 

How to lose weight and influence people

Day whatever it is off Toxic Phlegm and am still tired tired tired but the hot flushes are fewer and less intense and I appear to have lost a bit of weight!  Hurrah.  Also sleeping better and not as moody (big result for Mr F there.)  War wound still sore as but healing nicely.  Been advised to rub a ton of aqueous cream on it in preparation for skin stretching in 2 weeks.  

Am going back to work next week; after reading about other ladies' experiences of tissue expanders I am prepared for it to feel like having a brick shoved under my chest wall for a number of months so I might as well get on with it.  Am absolutely dreading getting up at stupid o' clock though.  No mention of phased return when I spoke to my managers - didn't want to push it as they've been really good and I'm conscious that I've had a lot of sick leave.  Just want to get back to (as) normal (as possible.)  Suppose if I'm struggling I'll just have to mention it, instead of gritting teeth and getting on.  

Pityriasis Rosea now rampant!  Slightly itchy but just looks so unattractive.  I know that shouldn't be an issue but along with the scarring and bruising and weight gain I feel fugly.  Oh the joys of BC.  Wish I could be one of these warrior women who talks about kicking cancer's arse instead of a limp dishcloth who wants to hide under her duvet.  
  
Just seen this via twitter - you can help raise funds for Breast Cancer Campaign by recycling your unwanted clothes here
I have a whole bunch of stuff that I was going to take to a Charity Shop but these dudes pick the clothes bags up from your home or work address - result.

Going out for a coffee with a work chum in a bit.  Be nice to get out of the house and wear something other than me round t'houses.  I might even treat myself to a cake.


Tra for now!
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