Are we nearly there yet?

Yes we are!  Had my penultimate fill this morning, another 50mls administered by a nervous, nice wee registrar.  That means another 50mls in 2 weeks and THAT'S IT.  Feeling good so far, no pain and not too tight.  Will keep taking the painkillers though, don't want to tempt fate.  So.  Brill.  Hopefully will get to know what the plan is at next appointment as to when implants will be put in.  Nice lady surgeon admired my cleavage this morning.  Funny how little things can make you feel happy.

Another little thing that would normally not make me happy but did this morning was this.  Dear readers if you've been following this sporadic, random and rambling blog you will know that following my diagnosis I was put on toxic phlegm and Zolodex (nasty, nasty side effects making you menopausal, fat and wickedly moody among other things)and have recently come off both of them.  Not under medical supervision I hasten to add, just because I was f**ed off and craving a quality of life and, of course, there was the fertility stuff.  At my last onc appointment I was told I might have gone through the menopause and was a tad upset at the thought.  But, dear readers, this morning I started a period!  Oh my.  I went for a wee and there it was, looking up at me, long time no see.  So, although this doesn't mean a whole lot in the scheme of things (it's not automatically going to follow that I fall pregnant at the first attempt obv) it does mean that it's unlikely that I'm menopausal, which is just ace.  Psychologically it's mighty gratifying.  Whoop.


This coming monday is my wedding anniversary.  I've been married to the fabulous Mr F for a year now <3.  How time flies!  We will be celebrating in style by going to Northcote Manor like we're people with money (we aren't, but that's what credit cards are for.)


Fitter happier news - I lost a lb!  A whole lb!  And I was bloated and pre-menstrual.  I've been going mad on the Wii and only eating goodness with a little treat here and there to stop me going completely mental.  I do feel better for it.  Now two weeks to go and I'll be giving up le fags.  I'm dreading that.  Bugger.


Love to y'all!

The Drugs Do Work (But I'm Not Taking Them)

Several weeks free of toxic phlegm and zolodex (can't think of a comedy name for it no matter how hard I try) and I have to admit I'm feeling a return to something resembling a quality of life.  Still having hot flushes (am I menopausal? Or is it pre-menstrual?), still overweight (ideal weight 9 stone, current weight 11 stone - erk) but starting to feel a creeping sense of motivation to start thinking about getting fitter and healthier.  Notice I say 'start thinking about', not sure when I'll actually do something about it but it's a start.  My diet is apalling, I smoke too much and do no exercise whatsoever.  I'm always tired and my skin and hair look rubbish.  So, I know that if I make the effort the rewards will be worth it.  

On my to do list for a fitter happier K:- 

• Give up the melvins.  Easier said than done but I've done it before.  Doesn't help that Mr F's a smoker but hey ho.  Need to buy nicotine replacement thingies and a stress ball or some worry beads or some such.  And make a date for giving up.  Thought this would be good when I have my last fill and before I have the bionic boobs.  Put date in diary. 
• Massive diet overhaul.  Minimise the takeaways (sigh) and maximise the salads.  Give up bread, sugar and other stuff that tastes lovely but makes me feel crap.  Been looking at the Flat Tummy Club diet and exercise site here after I saw it in the Daily Mail (not mine, somebody elses.  Don't want you thinking I'm a Mail reader.  That would be terrible.) Good to have a plan to work with, otherwise I convince myself that naughty food is allowed.  Good shopping habits too - if I don't buy it I can't eat it.  See? 
• Exercise excercise excercise.  I have a dog.  I have weights.  I have Wii Fit.  There are no excuses. 
• When all this is accomplished or I'm at least in the zone then I can treat myself to some new garms.  I have nothing to wear.  Srsly.  Nothing fits (except Mr F's jeans) and he's getting fed up with me nicking his clothes.  What better motivation than a shopathon eh girls?  Shopping!  

So, that's the plan.  I love a plan.  And I'm 40 this October so I want to look fab and forty not flabby, f***ed and forty.  And if I'm not menopausal (as in reallytruly not drug induced) then Plan Fab will mean it's easier to conceive.  Inshallah.


Big booby love to ya'll.  Wish me luck.  I'm off for a fag...:)

300 down 100 to go!

Had fill no. 4 last week.  Got up early, had a proper breakfast (i.e. not just 2 cups of tea and a ciggie), took co-codamol and ibuprofen.  Got there early and was in first.  Asked to have just 50mls as it was so painful last time.  And...no pain!  Well, a few twinges and it feels tight as hell but I can live with that, relatively speaking.  God, what a relief.  Think it helped having 4 weeks in between too, so next appointment is 4 weeks away.  That and the endless massaging and rubbing in various creams and potions (aqueous cream, smells horrible and takes a week to rub in; bio oil smells lovely and helps with the scarring.)  So hopefully another two shots of 50mls of saline and that part of the bionic boob journey is over.  Then it's just a matter of waiting till I'm ready for implantation.  One good thing is that although right 'boob' is higher than left boob I look 'normal' when clothed and can now wear a bra.  Hurrah!  It's the really simple things that make a difference.  And it may sound ridiculous but I'm really looking forward post-implantation to being able to go and buy lovely lovely underwear.  The mastectomy bras do their job but it ain't the same.
In other news I'm having a medication 'break'.  Stopped the Zolodex and went from menopausal to premenstrual in one week.  Spent a lot of time blubbing over minor things then getting really irate about minor things.  I'd forgotten what it was like.  Still no period though.  Got the occasional mid-cycle like pains but nothing happening there yet.  Never thought I'd hear myself say I'd like to have a period.  Life is strange.

Fill Me Up

Went for my third fill (two tuesdays ago now, sorry for the delay) and took 2 dihydrocodeine in anticipation before setting off.  Felt like I floated the whole way to Nelson Community Hospital (and that's not a sentence I ever thought I'd say.)  Told nice lady surgeon about previous post-fill hell and we decided on 60mls to take me up to 250mls.  More than half way.  Felt fine afterwards, decided to treat ourselves to a McDonalds breakfast...then half way home the pain started...and didn't stop for 48 hours.  I had to take 2 days off sick.  I puked so many times I lost count, couldn't even keep water down.  Jesus.  It still feels sore and uncomfortable.  The good thing is that due to Easter my fourth appointment is 4 weeks from the third one so that might give my poor pec time to settle.  Been massaging it with acqueous cream and bio oil in the hope that that'll help some.  Big sigh.  Still, only 150mls and three more fills to go.  If I can manage 50mls a time that is...need better painkillers for next time.  Anyone got any painkiller advice?  For nerve pain?  I'll give you a big kiss if you have.

Got an email from university this week saying I've got a big fat fail.  Should have had exam and case study submitted in December but deferred due to Mrs P dying.  I can void the mark and sit the exam and submit the case study NEXT MONTH.  That's, like, next month.  Hell.  What's better, a fail because you don't sit the exam or a fail because you do?  What a quandary.

It's absolutely beautiful outside and I have to go into work this weekend.  Can you imagine how happy that makes me feel?  Can you?
Bah!

Cancer Really Isn't Hilarious

Oh, cancer, so much to answer for.  I feel grim griminy today.  The new boob to be has settled and is uncomfortable rather than out and out painful.  But I just feel wrung out.  I thought cancer would be, not a breeze, but certainly once you hear the words "it hasn't spread to the lymph nodes" you think that's it.  Game over.  I have won.  Eighteen months down the line and it's still ruling my life.  I think in some way it's my own fault for being so glib about it.  I hitched a backy on the devil's Raleigh Chopper and rode around stickin V's up and blowing raspberries at cancer and now I'm 'paying' for it.  The extreme fatigue, the struggle to work full time, the side effects of the medication, the psychological effects, the surgery, the endless hospital appointments, the fertility question...and on and on.  The road from first symptoms to being 'cancer free' is laden with potholes, dog s**t and strange and frightening people lurking by the roadside.  And you get to the point where you feel people lose interest.  Like, you've had your diagnosis and most of your treatment so you should be full of the joys of spring and getting on with your life...you're one of the 'lucky' ones...and every time I read a celeb piece where they've 'bravely' battled the big C and have had an epiphany and know now that life is for living and you should live every day as if it's your last and yada yada, I feel sick and empty.  Like deep down that should be me if only I didn't feel so SH1T.  Bah.  I *should* be positive; I *should* be trekking up a mountain somewhere wearing pink; I *should* be grateful.  I'm not one for self-pity, I'm not a negative person, so all this is incredibly draining and alien.  Maybe I'll feel differently next week.  Maybe I should count my blessings.  Woulda shoulda coulda.  Or maybe I should hide under my duvet with a million menthol cigarettes and a bottle of my choice of alcoholic beverage and ask someone to wake me up when this is all over. 

The Agony and the...erm

Just the agony then.  Went for my second "pumping up" yesterday.  Drove myself as Mr F was working and I was planning to go into work myself afterwards.  Lovely lady surgeon injected 50mls to start and it felt tight again but otherwise ok.  Then about half way through the second 50mls I couldn't stand it - she injected the lot and had to remove some straightaway.  After she'd removed 10mls it felt like the pressure was off so I said it felt better, got dressed and off I went.  Not sure how I got myself home again the pain was that bad.  I had to manoeuvre the car round a bunch of senior citizen ramblers on the car park which nearly finished me off.  Thought if I got home and had some codeine and went to bed then the pain would ease off, but it just got worse.  Lordy, I've never had so much pain in my LIFE!  Stabbing pains, round the tissue expander, under the armpit, down the arm, in my shoulder blade.  Nausea inducing muscle spasms.  The tissue expander is rock hard.  Strong painkillers didn't even touch the pain to take the edge off, and I was horribly sick.  Mr F offered to leave work early and take me back in to have some saline removed but I couldn't stand the thought of getting back into the car for 20 minutes of the roads being pothole hell.  F**k me but I'm seriously considering asking to have the damn thing out and going right breastless for all eternity.  THAT's how much pain I was in.  Tell you how bad it was, if someone had given me a gun I'd have shot myself.
Today, feels ever so slightly better.  Have done a bit of a web search and think some of the pain is nerve related...it was weird feeling pain in an area that's been numb since the Mx and ANC.  Today I have to go for my Zolodex injection so I'm going to have to get dressed and get my arse in gear.  Am hoping that the pain of the injection will take my mind of the pain of the red hot brick under my chest wall.  If anyone's reading this contemplating tissue expander based reconstruction, don't let me put you off :0).  Tee hee.
Still off the Tamoxifen.  Still having hot sweats etc. but figure that's the Zolodex.  Still feel like a bag of s**te.  

Man, I've had enough. 

Oh!

Almost forgot - still off the tamoxifen, have lost weight (hurrah) and am less moody (hurrah - Mr F) and really don't want to go back on it.  B****cks to it.  I'll stick with the Zolodez/Goserelin but that's it.  
Now, my next mission is to get healthy, give up the cigs, start eating better (no more late night takeaways and Snickers for breakfast - boo) and maybe indulge in a little exercise.  I'm just thinking about it for the moment though, don't want to rush into anything.

Tra for now!